My Living room: A writing prompt.

The front living room in my new home is cluttered with...everything, it seems. Life around a one year old leaves this room seeming tired. As tired as I feel, running behind him. Telling him not to eat the food I forgot to pick up off the floor last night. A grin plastered on his face for finding something awesome.

This room, makes me feel tired, but it also brings a smile to my face. Remembering the little things my son as done, the way he is learning something new each day. The books strewn about the room shows me he loves reading, just like I do. The blocks, he loves building like his dad. The broom...oh that broom! If he could bring that thing with him everywhere, he would be so happy.

My heart swells with a love I didn't even know was possible a year ago, just thinking of my son as he is napping. It also constricts, thinking, why am I waisting this time I could be cleaning this room. As quick as a wink, my heart constricts, it fights back, though, swelling again, imagination and creativity winding it's way back into my life. Back into my soul.

I look around this cluttered messy room and realized that for the first time, in a long time, I am  happy with where I am at even though I still have lots to do.

Embrace and Bloom

Starting off, I have made a goal to write everyday. If it is a blog, or in a journal, or on my book. I need to write daily. I feel like it will help me a lot. I've started in a writing community, thewritepractice.com, I really hope that it will give me purpose and need to finish my book--a goal I've had for years. 

On to the purpose of my post: 

I got a Mary Engelbreit Calendar from my very own Fairy godmother, Fairy! I was WAY behind and got a few quotes that really hit home to me, given my current situation. The first, is just a simple one, that really just is something I need to say to myself everyday. 

The Second Quote:

This is something I really need to work on. Being a new mom is a season of life like no other. There is no transition period. It is like going from Winter straight into the hottest part of summer. So amazing to be out of the snow, but massively different than before. The word "embrace" really struck me as well, because and embrace is welcoming and loving. Loving the season of life you are in, whatever it may be, is so important.

The last quote was on Rory's Birthday!!!

I absolutely love this quote for many reasons. One is gospel related, and I don't feel like I want to go into that at the moment. The second reason is that I am somewhere so far away from family, in a desert. The wild flowers here are amazing. Our first summer here, before we had Rory, there was a super-bloom. I found is so inspiring that such beauty can come from such adverse circumstances.

As a flower, you don't have a choice where you are planted. It is your job to grow and bloom, embracing whatever situation you find yourself in. It is time for me to do the same and get to seeing the positive in my life all the time, not just daily.

I hope these quotes really resonate with someone, like they did to me.

Starting Over

In my last post, I confessed that I wasn't myself since having Rory. I just got back from seeing my lovely psychologist of the first time. It really helped! I said things and realized things that I didn't realize were bothering me because she knew the questions to ask. 

For anyone who isn't feeling themselves, go see someone, it isn't as bad as it may seem. If anything, you can talk to them and get some things off your mind, and feel all better! 

One thing I realized, with a strange clarity: I stopped doing things I love. Listening to music and writing being top two of those things. 

One other thing Dr. F(that's what I'll call her for security purposes) asked me was, "Do you consider yourself a novelist and a stay at home mom?" I never thought of that. I had always thought of myself as someone who enjoys writing and who is writing a book for the fun of it. Not as a novelist or a writer. This is what I am though, if I boil it down to the basics.

Yes, I've never finished a book, but I'll get there one day. It's a goal to complete a book. Even if no one else but family and friends read it, I'll be happy.

SO....here's to starting over, and seeing myself as something completely new and in a way that I never have before. I hope and pray this feeling lasts!

Mom Confessions

**I wrote the following sometime last November**
Since becoming a mom, I haven't felt 100% myself. Recovering from my c-section, a bacterial infection, and pneumonia, were only the physical things that were happening. Since the physical side of my health has finally gotten under control I realized something.

A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I was happy but not as happy as I was before. I loved being a mom and my family, but I felt off. Not myself. 

Last week Rory had a surgery on his kidney to remove a blockage. In his hospital room, he had two neighbors. These neighbors cried and screamed and were all sorts of fussy. They also had toys that played music-you know the kind. High pitched baby you music that grates on every adult's ears. I spent the night till 5am surrounded by noise and unable to fully sleep in my recliner that was provided. 

I mention this because that night triggered my ADHD big time. Because of that, my thoughts have been quicker than normal. Having thoughts that pass through my brain in quick succession is something that is usually a burden.
 ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***

I share this because I am still going through this. The frustrating part about all of this is that I knew something wasn't right with my mind in November, and I haven't done anything about it till now. I wanted to deal with it on my own. I wanted to figure it-whatever it was-out. I wanted to get back to being 100% me again. I loved my son, husband, and new home. I loved everything that was about my life...everything except myself. Everything I did wasn't good enough, there was more that I could be doing. I didn't want to get off the couch. I didn't want to read or write (Shocking...I know!). I just wanted to sink into the hole that was my ever expanding mind and stay there. I was alone, 700 miles or more away from family. I had Church, but I have been so introverted and shy that I haven't gone out of my way to do a lot with the great people I have met there. I had done a few things here and there with other moms and people I've met, but I wasn't HAPPY.
Months I felt like this. Unmotivated and unhappy with myself. I knew something was wrong, when I would get legitimately mad at my son for something that wasn't worth getting mad over, then get upset with myself over getting mad at him. It was just a vicious cycle. A month ago, I watched the video my church has on depression/mental illness and decided then and there that I needed to get help. (Link to the video at the end of this post.)

I still haven't talked to anyone yet, but that will be in a few days. I am writing this post, not for pity or anything like that. I am writing it for myself. To see where I was so I can see the growth that I know will happen. I am also writing this post to let others know one thing, other than the video I mentioned above, that has made the biggest difference in putting me on the path to finding myself again. That one thing is Bullet Journaling.

I am planning on taking another post to talk more about how it has really helped me out, because this one has turned into a lot longer of a post, but Bullet Journaling has helped me organize my crazy ADHD thoughts. I wish I had this system of planning when I was in school, or teaching! It really has helped me a lot. Look it up, and try it yourself! I'm not even a month into it, and it has changed how I deal with my life.

I hope this blog post doesn't seem like too much of a downer. I'm just writing out what's been going on in my life and mind right now as I see it. I am super blessed, I know I am where I need to be, I have a wonderful husband (of 5 years!) and an amazing son!!! I just have to find my "sparkle," my inner self that I lost going through all the stuff that I mentioned at the start of this post. I'll get it all back. I am a lot better than I was a month ago, but I still need to get the help I mentioned above.

I'm hopeful, and trying to be optimistic!

Here is the link to the video that prompted me to get the help I needed: https://youtu.be/IrNqGqy5kbQ