Mom Confessions

**I wrote the following sometime last November**
Since becoming a mom, I haven't felt 100% myself. Recovering from my c-section, a bacterial infection, and pneumonia, were only the physical things that were happening. Since the physical side of my health has finally gotten under control I realized something.

A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I was happy but not as happy as I was before. I loved being a mom and my family, but I felt off. Not myself. 

Last week Rory had a surgery on his kidney to remove a blockage. In his hospital room, he had two neighbors. These neighbors cried and screamed and were all sorts of fussy. They also had toys that played music-you know the kind. High pitched baby you music that grates on every adult's ears. I spent the night till 5am surrounded by noise and unable to fully sleep in my recliner that was provided. 

I mention this because that night triggered my ADHD big time. Because of that, my thoughts have been quicker than normal. Having thoughts that pass through my brain in quick succession is something that is usually a burden.
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I share this because I am still going through this. The frustrating part about all of this is that I knew something wasn't right with my mind in November, and I haven't done anything about it till now. I wanted to deal with it on my own. I wanted to figure it-whatever it was-out. I wanted to get back to being 100% me again. I loved my son, husband, and new home. I loved everything that was about my life...everything except myself. Everything I did wasn't good enough, there was more that I could be doing. I didn't want to get off the couch. I didn't want to read or write (Shocking...I know!). I just wanted to sink into the hole that was my ever expanding mind and stay there. I was alone, 700 miles or more away from family. I had Church, but I have been so introverted and shy that I haven't gone out of my way to do a lot with the great people I have met there. I had done a few things here and there with other moms and people I've met, but I wasn't HAPPY.
Months I felt like this. Unmotivated and unhappy with myself. I knew something was wrong, when I would get legitimately mad at my son for something that wasn't worth getting mad over, then get upset with myself over getting mad at him. It was just a vicious cycle. A month ago, I watched the video my church has on depression/mental illness and decided then and there that I needed to get help. (Link to the video at the end of this post.)

I still haven't talked to anyone yet, but that will be in a few days. I am writing this post, not for pity or anything like that. I am writing it for myself. To see where I was so I can see the growth that I know will happen. I am also writing this post to let others know one thing, other than the video I mentioned above, that has made the biggest difference in putting me on the path to finding myself again. That one thing is Bullet Journaling.

I am planning on taking another post to talk more about how it has really helped me out, because this one has turned into a lot longer of a post, but Bullet Journaling has helped me organize my crazy ADHD thoughts. I wish I had this system of planning when I was in school, or teaching! It really has helped me a lot. Look it up, and try it yourself! I'm not even a month into it, and it has changed how I deal with my life.

I hope this blog post doesn't seem like too much of a downer. I'm just writing out what's been going on in my life and mind right now as I see it. I am super blessed, I know I am where I need to be, I have a wonderful husband (of 5 years!) and an amazing son!!! I just have to find my "sparkle," my inner self that I lost going through all the stuff that I mentioned at the start of this post. I'll get it all back. I am a lot better than I was a month ago, but I still need to get the help I mentioned above.

I'm hopeful, and trying to be optimistic!

Here is the link to the video that prompted me to get the help I needed: https://youtu.be/IrNqGqy5kbQ