My Living room: A writing prompt.

The front living room in my new home is cluttered with...everything, it seems. Life around a one year old leaves this room seeming tired. As tired as I feel, running behind him. Telling him not to eat the food I forgot to pick up off the floor last night. A grin plastered on his face for finding something awesome.

This room, makes me feel tired, but it also brings a smile to my face. Remembering the little things my son as done, the way he is learning something new each day. The books strewn about the room shows me he loves reading, just like I do. The blocks, he loves building like his dad. The broom...oh that broom! If he could bring that thing with him everywhere, he would be so happy.

My heart swells with a love I didn't even know was possible a year ago, just thinking of my son as he is napping. It also constricts, thinking, why am I waisting this time I could be cleaning this room. As quick as a wink, my heart constricts, it fights back, though, swelling again, imagination and creativity winding it's way back into my life. Back into my soul.

I look around this cluttered messy room and realized that for the first time, in a long time, I am  happy with where I am at even though I still have lots to do.

Embrace and Bloom

Starting off, I have made a goal to write everyday. If it is a blog, or in a journal, or on my book. I need to write daily. I feel like it will help me a lot. I've started in a writing community, thewritepractice.com, I really hope that it will give me purpose and need to finish my book--a goal I've had for years. 

On to the purpose of my post: 

I got a Mary Engelbreit Calendar from my very own Fairy godmother, Fairy! I was WAY behind and got a few quotes that really hit home to me, given my current situation. The first, is just a simple one, that really just is something I need to say to myself everyday. 

The Second Quote:

This is something I really need to work on. Being a new mom is a season of life like no other. There is no transition period. It is like going from Winter straight into the hottest part of summer. So amazing to be out of the snow, but massively different than before. The word "embrace" really struck me as well, because and embrace is welcoming and loving. Loving the season of life you are in, whatever it may be, is so important.

The last quote was on Rory's Birthday!!!

I absolutely love this quote for many reasons. One is gospel related, and I don't feel like I want to go into that at the moment. The second reason is that I am somewhere so far away from family, in a desert. The wild flowers here are amazing. Our first summer here, before we had Rory, there was a super-bloom. I found is so inspiring that such beauty can come from such adverse circumstances.

As a flower, you don't have a choice where you are planted. It is your job to grow and bloom, embracing whatever situation you find yourself in. It is time for me to do the same and get to seeing the positive in my life all the time, not just daily.

I hope these quotes really resonate with someone, like they did to me.

Starting Over

In my last post, I confessed that I wasn't myself since having Rory. I just got back from seeing my lovely psychologist of the first time. It really helped! I said things and realized things that I didn't realize were bothering me because she knew the questions to ask. 

For anyone who isn't feeling themselves, go see someone, it isn't as bad as it may seem. If anything, you can talk to them and get some things off your mind, and feel all better! 

One thing I realized, with a strange clarity: I stopped doing things I love. Listening to music and writing being top two of those things. 

One other thing Dr. F(that's what I'll call her for security purposes) asked me was, "Do you consider yourself a novelist and a stay at home mom?" I never thought of that. I had always thought of myself as someone who enjoys writing and who is writing a book for the fun of it. Not as a novelist or a writer. This is what I am though, if I boil it down to the basics.

Yes, I've never finished a book, but I'll get there one day. It's a goal to complete a book. Even if no one else but family and friends read it, I'll be happy.

SO....here's to starting over, and seeing myself as something completely new and in a way that I never have before. I hope and pray this feeling lasts!

Mom Confessions

**I wrote the following sometime last November**
Since becoming a mom, I haven't felt 100% myself. Recovering from my c-section, a bacterial infection, and pneumonia, were only the physical things that were happening. Since the physical side of my health has finally gotten under control I realized something.

A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I was happy but not as happy as I was before. I loved being a mom and my family, but I felt off. Not myself. 

Last week Rory had a surgery on his kidney to remove a blockage. In his hospital room, he had two neighbors. These neighbors cried and screamed and were all sorts of fussy. They also had toys that played music-you know the kind. High pitched baby you music that grates on every adult's ears. I spent the night till 5am surrounded by noise and unable to fully sleep in my recliner that was provided. 

I mention this because that night triggered my ADHD big time. Because of that, my thoughts have been quicker than normal. Having thoughts that pass through my brain in quick succession is something that is usually a burden.
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I share this because I am still going through this. The frustrating part about all of this is that I knew something wasn't right with my mind in November, and I haven't done anything about it till now. I wanted to deal with it on my own. I wanted to figure it-whatever it was-out. I wanted to get back to being 100% me again. I loved my son, husband, and new home. I loved everything that was about my life...everything except myself. Everything I did wasn't good enough, there was more that I could be doing. I didn't want to get off the couch. I didn't want to read or write (Shocking...I know!). I just wanted to sink into the hole that was my ever expanding mind and stay there. I was alone, 700 miles or more away from family. I had Church, but I have been so introverted and shy that I haven't gone out of my way to do a lot with the great people I have met there. I had done a few things here and there with other moms and people I've met, but I wasn't HAPPY.
Months I felt like this. Unmotivated and unhappy with myself. I knew something was wrong, when I would get legitimately mad at my son for something that wasn't worth getting mad over, then get upset with myself over getting mad at him. It was just a vicious cycle. A month ago, I watched the video my church has on depression/mental illness and decided then and there that I needed to get help. (Link to the video at the end of this post.)

I still haven't talked to anyone yet, but that will be in a few days. I am writing this post, not for pity or anything like that. I am writing it for myself. To see where I was so I can see the growth that I know will happen. I am also writing this post to let others know one thing, other than the video I mentioned above, that has made the biggest difference in putting me on the path to finding myself again. That one thing is Bullet Journaling.

I am planning on taking another post to talk more about how it has really helped me out, because this one has turned into a lot longer of a post, but Bullet Journaling has helped me organize my crazy ADHD thoughts. I wish I had this system of planning when I was in school, or teaching! It really has helped me a lot. Look it up, and try it yourself! I'm not even a month into it, and it has changed how I deal with my life.

I hope this blog post doesn't seem like too much of a downer. I'm just writing out what's been going on in my life and mind right now as I see it. I am super blessed, I know I am where I need to be, I have a wonderful husband (of 5 years!) and an amazing son!!! I just have to find my "sparkle," my inner self that I lost going through all the stuff that I mentioned at the start of this post. I'll get it all back. I am a lot better than I was a month ago, but I still need to get the help I mentioned above.

I'm hopeful, and trying to be optimistic!

Here is the link to the video that prompted me to get the help I needed: https://youtu.be/IrNqGqy5kbQ

Making a Mommy

The story of how I became a mom is a long one, and one that has many facets that I would like to keep to myself, or my close friends and family.  However, I am going to attempt to write about it for this post.

 **If you want to know more of the nitty gritty details, and about all the gross bugs and everything else that went wrong...my mom or sister or mother in law would love to tell you about it! This post is mostly the basics of what happened.**

The date was July 2, 2015.  I had my weekly appointment with my OB at 11, but it wasn’t my normal OB, Doctor Stone.  She was out of town.  I met with Dr. Guerra.  My blood pressure had been elevated the previous three appointments, but would go down if I laid down on my left side.  Dr. Guerra said that she wanted to send us to B-wing because of my blood pressure.  They wanted to do some tests, and if there was anything at all off, I would be induced.  

We arrived at B-wing, I was anxious and worried that nothing was going as planned.  We didn’t have any of our stuff at the Hospital! Our packed back was at home, waiting.  We had planned to do a lot of last minute things around the house today to make sure we had everything ready and finished for when Rory got here.  Those plans seemed to be thrown by the wayside of a turbulent sea, as I got hooked up to blood pressure cuff and got my blood drawn.  All the while, hoping I can get some food(I had only had a small bowl of cereal, planning on getting a bigger lunch out after the appointment).  The lab results came back, and there was one result that lead Dr. Guerra to choose to have me induced.  This being the case, The nurses did not want to give me food unless I go into active labor.  

Karlie and my mom were on their way from Utah, and had been informed of the situation.  We also called the missionaries so that I could be given a blessing.  Just before the IV got put into my hand, the Elders arrived and were able to help Brandon give me a blessing.  During that blessing, I felt a wave of comfort wash over me.  In the blessing it said that Heavenly Father was just as excited for Rory to come down here as we were.  I was blessed to have angels attend me throughout this process.  I was also blessed with the ability to get through labor and that everything would be alright. The doctors were blessed to be competent and aware of what to do to best help me.

I was admitted to the Hospital to be induced at 5:00.  Given food at 6:00.  I had not eaten anything for that entire time, causing me to be worried about my hypoglycemia.  But I was happy because my mom and sister were on their way! 

Mom and Karlie get in at around 10:00, and stay in a hotel across the street. The medication to induce me had yet to take any effect.  The entire night cramping and labor pains started slowly, with the blood pressure cuff going off every 30 minutes and all the monitors keeping track of baby and me--all of which made sleep pretty much impossible.

The next day the progress was very slow, 1 cm per 3 hours of labor.  My blood pressure continued to be very high 150/90+.  That night pain was such that I asked for the epidural.  I was terrified of this.  I remember crying and asking Heavenly Father for help.  I was so scared that I would move wrong and that something bad would happen to me, or Rory. When it came time for the needle to get put in, I distinctly felt the presence of Don Morehouse, the man who was my second father who unexpectedly passed away in 2008, giving me a big hug.  Letting me know that everything was going to be alright, and that I was going to be ok, and that he missed me and that he knew my son and knew that he was perfect for our family.  I was still worried, but the fear was gone.  

The fear was gone, but the pain, however, was not far from me.  I never had an epidural, and I knew that they took the edge off the pain, but you still had to feel something...and being as tired as I was, I never told the nurse “I am in pain.”  I just said that I felt a lot of pressure, and I was shaking a lot...uncontrollable shaking, while feeling like I was burning up like an oven.  My body was swelling up like a little balloon, and my blood pressure skyrocketed that night.  The only thing that got me through all of it was Brandon counting out my breaths, so that I could have something to focus on.  It got so that his voice was hoarse from counting, and neither of us could get sleep.  The nurse kept coming in and having me move from one side to the other to keep the baby awake and not asleep.  I had no way of being able to sleep.

During this entire ordeal, I was only aware of one thing, that Rory was coming.  I knew that there was pain, and that I didn’t know what was going on with my body, or the nurses, or the room around me.  All I knew was that sometime soon I would be able to see my little boy.  That was the only thing I could think about, or else everything would topple over around me like a pile of jenga blocks tumbling over.  I was so overwhelmed, tired, and in pain, that my thoughts were not coherent. The question “How would you rate your pain?” became my worst nightmare.  I didn’t want to overstate my pain, but I also did not know what a 10 was...so I didn’t know what my version of that would be.  I had never been in a lot of pain before in my lifetime, so it was very difficult to gauge my pain when I had no baseline of top pain except for a stupid smiley face diagram that they all had to use.  

Day two of no sleep comes to a close, with Karlie and Mom with me at 5 AM.  Looks of worry on their faces.   The new nurse that came in at shift change (7AM) immediately recognizes that I am in pain and practically runs to get the anesthetist to add a different pain medication.  The effect of this was instant.  I now knew that what I was feeling was pain up in the 9s and 10s...which should have been down in the 1 range, of just pressure and nothing else.  The nurse the previous night had asked if I was feeling pressure or pain….I was feeling both, so my English teacher mind picked the one that I felt most often...the pressure.  The pain only came with the contractions.

Meanwhile, Brandon eats the breakfast that was meant for me, but I was in active labor at this point and couldn’t have anything but ice (even though the night nurse kept giving me apple juice to get the baby awake). This breakfast causes Brandon to feel nauseated and nearly pass out due to exhaustion.  

By 10:00 on July 4th, I was fully dilated except for a small lip, and I begin pushing to get Rory past it. By 11:00 I begin pushing every contraction. Each time, I would push, I felt the presence of a different angel helping me. However, all the heavenly and earthly help I got didn't change the fact that Rory was faced the wrong way. His head was sideways. Three to four hours of pushing later, my doctor came in and told me I had two options: C-section or the vacuum suction. I felt like I should get the c-section, but everyone pushed me to do the vacuum, and then if it was needed, the c-section would be later. So...that is what I did. The vacuum did nothing...just like I somehow knew it would.

That, compared with my blood pressure, meant that I went in for an emergency c-section. I do not remember much but Brandon sitting there trying not to look over the sagging blue sheet because I asked him not to. Next thing I knew I heard my son crying. My beautiful amazing son that took so much effort to get here. Hearing that noise made all that worth it. Rory was here. Rory was here, and the nurse placed him on my chest (skin on skin in the OR is a new thing our hospital was doing, we were the third birth to have it happen). They had their hands on Rory's back to steady him, his head right under my chin, and then...he pees on me(The little Dalek)! Meanwhile, the doctor is still putting me back together, and stitching me up...unaware that Rory was on the other side of the sheet, and he would often move to where he would bump Rory sitting on my chest. Brandon tried to be a barrier between Rory and the doctor, so that seemed to help.

Rory was here! 

I didn't need anything else in the world? Right? Wrong...I needed to get my blood pressure back down. Below is a picture of my and my amazing sister, who I wouldn't have been able to get through this ordeal without. I don't recognize myself. I was so bloated. My blood pressure became everyone's main concern...everyone's but mine. My concern was Rory. Because of the vacuum they used to try and get Rory here, he got jaundice earlier than most babies, and we had to have the lights in our room, and he hated them, and was constantly crying. He cried himself hoarse.

The time came, my blood pressure was lower, and Rory and I were cleared to go home on July 6th, his due date! We could be a family AT HOME!

And thus begins the biggest and most amazing change in my life....I am now a mom, and I couldn't be happier, nearly two months into it. All that we went through is something I barely remember, and only remember parts because I wrote them down earlier. I am extremely blessed to have my amazing son and husband with me everyday and nothing could make me happier!

 











Last but not least, I am so grateful for these two ladies, because I couldn't have gotten past that first month without them!!!  Thanks Mom and Tammy!!! You're the best Grandma and Giimaa a boy could ask for! He is so lucky to have you in his life! 

Don't Take a Globule When Just a Lick'll Do.

It's 10:30 P.M.


My husband has the hiccups.

My husband NEVER gets the hiccups.  He is a little sick of hiccups in general, seeing as I have had them as a constant companion since finding out I was pregnant. (Not the full-blown never ending painful hiccups, but the I am going to come out loud at annoying times in groups of two or three hiccups). However, he NEVER gets them. I could tell they were getting to be at the annoying stage where they could get worse and never end.

"Quick! eat a spoonful of peanut butter!" I say, when drinking water does not help him.  Peanut butter is something that has helped me when all other remedies have failed.  The look that passes his face is one that I wish I had captured in a picture so I could look at it whenever I needed a pick-me-up.  It was a look that said, "Peanut Butter!? Are you CRAZY woman!? That only goes on a PB & J and in cookies, you don't eat a spoonful!!"

To his credit, he goes to the pantry and brings our wonderful peanut butter jar into our bedroom, looking skeptical, holding the spoon like a light saber, he sits down on the bed.

Contemplating if I put poison the the nutty goodness, he takes out a good sized portion. He doesn't want to sleep with peanut butter breath, so cautiously he takes a lick. A lick similar to one I have seen on children trying a new food, such a minute amount of peanut butter was on his tongue, I thought for sure he would need to just bite the bullet and shove the whole globule down his throat.

The hiccups stopped! I was in awe. Such was the state of my awe that I began to laugh and be in pain at the same time. The pain was just because my belly is so stinking huge that any jostling for a long period, like a bout of good laughing, makes breathing difficult. My husband, knowing that my laughing is causing pain says, "Here, I'll just read the label." Did that help!? No, this is what the label said: "No Preservatives, artificial flavors, or Colors*" Then he reads the asterisk with a note of disbelief and humor in his voice: "*Similar to all peanut butter." This just made us laugh even more.

Knowing I could not possibly stop laughing till he is out of the room because I know how silly I look being 9 months pregnant with a large belly in full laughing mode, he mercifully left me alone to calm down.

He comes in once I am quiet, and I look up at him and say, "The moral of this story is: Don't take a globule when just a lick'll do." We both start laughing again, knowing that this will be a life long motto in our new family.

The Blogger Has Returned....Thanks to Her Mom.

It has been pointed out to me, by my amazing mom, that I have not written a blog post in quite a long time.  I do not know what prompted me to stop writing, but I figure now is as good a time to start up again as any.

I wondered at what I should write about, because so much has happened in my life since my last post. Most notably: I am going to be a mom in 21 days(according to the due date)! I hope this blog doesn't turn into an all about my kids blog, because I hope to keep my writing skills up, writing about more than just my awesome offspring.

I realized when my mom said I haven't blogged, that I haven't written anything but a little blip in a journal for my son and a grocery list in a long time...and that my time is going to get eaten up by a cute little time gobbler that I call son. This realization came with another one right after: I don't want to lose my writing skills. I want to create, I want to use my knowledge of the English language to do something.

Now, the question is what do I use this blog for? Is it some form of a digital journal for the world to read? Is this blog all about the random musings of my mind, as it has been since the start? Or do I want my blog to be something more?

Now, I know not many who really read this will care, and I am sure in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. But, it does give me something to do with my time. I know that in the next 21 days, or more or less, my life will drastically change.  I cannot wait for this change, I am so ready to meet my son and get to know his little personality.  I also know that if I do not do something for myself, and to keep myself grounded in who I am as a person, I will lose myself to my new role.  I will just be Kelsey Mother Extraordinaire...and not Kelsey Super Sister, Kelsey Wife of Wonders, Kelsey Doting Daughter, Kelsey Fanatic Friend, Kelsey Wondermous Writer, or just Kelsey.  I hope that writing this blog will be a way for me to remember all of my roles and keep them in balance and keep myself from going all sorts of crazy.

Writing has always been my outlet. It is good for me to remember that.

Thanks Mom, for helping me remember that, and being my own Mother Extraordinaire, because no one knows me like you do!!